Learning to CELEBRATE myself

Pride is a sin, that's what my parents told me. That's why I wasn't allowed to celebrate myself and my accomplishments. I was "celebrated" (accepted into the flock) when I was the perfect creation. The perfect scapegoat.

There was even a brutal therapy session where my parents couldn't find a thing about me that they were proud of, after an entire session of berating me for becoming something that wasn't what they created me to be.

That was the moment I knew that someday I would have to learn to be proud of myself, even when they weren't. I couldn't fit into the "good girl", sitting in a matching dress without fidgeting in a church pew (because if I fidgeted I would be pinched or hit or squeezed until it hurt bad enough to stop). I am autistic. I will never fit that again.

The reason I could be "celebrated" (if you can call it celebration) was to fully abandon myself for someone and something else's approval.

I did not approve of that self. It was not me.

I am myself now. Autistic, Disabled, Queer, anti-fascist, anti-control, anti-racist, Transgender.

These are things my family is NOT proud of. How can I celebrate things that were demonized to me my entire life?

By choosing to celebrate.

I am proud of myself for being myself in the face of violence and harm.

I am proud of myself for choosing myself and all that I am, even if it means being different than who I was created to be by the people who controlled my childhood.

I am proud of myself for choosing a life that nobody in my family has chosen, and living it even when I am afraid.

I am proud of myself for being courageous, and having lots to fear but doing it anyway.

This week (and this month) I have hit a lot of milestones in my journey and I celebrated myself with much enthusiasm. and then I crashed.

My body was waiting for the punishment. My head was repeating voices that told me every single reason why I didn't deserve to celebrate, and didn't deserve to live like this. I want to ignore those voices by celebrating myself even more SO:

I will tell you, froggy friend, about all my wins!!! I celebrate myself by talking about it.

This week:

• I finished my BIGGEST EVER PAINTING!!! I have started a few bigger pieces but never finished them. This made me feel like a "true artist" - whatever that means - and it helped me to believe in myself as an artist. It was fully from my own brain, which was fearful for me because I am AFRAID of what lives in there from my past. But I painted it anyway, to completion. YAY!!
• I finally got to 1,000 subscriber froggy friends on my YouTube channel!! I have been working for this for years, with 149 videos posted. That has been SO much work for FREE - just to show myself that I can do it, I can be seen, I can be heard, and I can be valuable to others. I still am not monetized on my YouTube until I can get 4,000 watch hours, but I am celebrating this milestone anyway!

This month:

• my website, my home on the internet, was finally ready to be published and released to the world!! That is HUGE! I have a home for my art and creations that feels as beautiful as I am (thank you so much Aaliyah and Compassionate Connections for this!!)
• I have started building frog club content for the future members: classes, posts, and paintings!
• I started a 100 video youtube challenge and have done 9 videos in a row!! This felt like a huge win already, and I am so excited to see where I go next.

I am allowed to celebrate myself every day. And maybe if I learn to celebrate myself every day, I won't have such a big crash at the end of the celebration.

It felt like my nervous system was SO unfamiliar with celebrating and being proud of myself, that it had a big low afterwards. I made a youtube video about it - feel free to watch that to get more insight into how it feels and why I might crash after a win.

I am ready to rewire my brain to be able to accept that I am worthy of celebration and pride EVERY day - no matter what I do. My BEING deserves celebration.

I love you frogs! Talk soon, Sunflower